How I knew I was burned out. And what I did when I left my toxic job.
Burnout is something that many women experience. Hell, its something that 77% of people have felt in their current role according to a recent survey conducted by Deloitte. Burnout doesn’t just impact the quality of your life at work, but it also impacts the quality of your life at home.
There are a million and a half guides about recognizing burnout and tips on how to manage it. But for me, none of that worked. What I needed to do was leave my toxic workplace. It took me 4 years to do it. And the day I turned in my notice…was honestly like a thousand pound weight lifted off my shoulders. I never walked into a meeting with my boss with more confidence and calm.
My career has always been a part of my identity. I’m an incredibly hard worker, dedicated beyond a fault, ambitious (sometimes too much so) and try to do all the things all the time. I moved quickly in my career over the course of 4 years…I went from entry level to director level fast and on my own, with no support from anyone except one coworker who wasn’t my boss and one supervisor who I can confidently say was the best supervisor I’ve ever had. But I learned, particularly in the last year that my job and my career are not who I am. They’re just something I do. And it’s been super hard to separate myself from that identity. Because who am I then if I’m not this driven, successful, ambitious career woman?
It took me a solid 2 years to really recognize how burned out I really was and start taking action to make a change. It is a process, let me tell you that much. I’ve only been out of my last job for a week and I still feel traumatized and anxious all the time. It’s not something that just quickly changes when you leave a workplace…it takes time.
I knew I was starting to feel burned out when I really just didn’t want to do it anymore…I’ve always been passionate about the work that I was doing (I was in HR) because it’s a way for me to make a meaningful impact on someone’s day to day. But when you’re dragged through the mud by your superiors and have been left on an isolated island because leadership doesn’t value HR in the way they should…it makes it very difficult to feel motivated to even try. I was on autopilot, wanting to do all these projects that I knew would make things better but just diverted my attention to the things that had to get done because it was all I felt I was valued for. there was no motivation to go the extra mile anymore, I spent too much time building doing the job of four people and managing a team of 8. It was just a lot. And I kept trying to find ways to find my motivation again but it was always just out of reach.
I was cranky and complained all the time. I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly optimistic person. I was the life of the party when I was in my twenties! I’m always down for a good time, I’ll be the first on the dance floor. But my mood just soured and all I could focus on was what was holding me back (leadership) and how poorly I was being treated by my peers. This is honestly the hardest thing for me to change…because when you spend 4 years in a role just beaten down, it’s hard to pivot to a more positive perspective and stop complaining. My friends noticed it, my family, everyone - it’s been hard for me to let go of the negative things that happened every day. Even in the few glimmers of positivity…I still found the dark cloud.
I didn’t love the things I loved anymore. I have been an avid reader my entire life, I was reading before I was even in elementary school. I have not read a book for pleasure in 3 years. I listen to a ton of audiobooks - but I haven’t picked up a book to really read and lose myself in a story in 3 years. Reading became more mental power than I could afford. It became work. I also love to host parties, cook and play bored games. Cooking became a chore, I felt like hosting parties was me just doing all the work and everyone else complained and bored games ended up in fights because I was tired and defensive all the time. I took a break from most of it because I just couldn’t find the joy in it anymore.
My personal relationships suffered. As a single woman, dating is hard enough as it is, try being in your late 30s…it’s like impossible. But I completely gave up. I was always known as the one who could get guys to ask me on a date within a few conversations on an app. My last four serious relationships were from dating apps. I was so fizzled out from work that trying to build an emotional connection with someone was so draining I didn’t even bother. I’ve pulled back from some friendships when they feel to be too much, I spend a significant amount of time by myself…and for an extrovert that’s saying something. All of it felt like too much work.
My mental health took a nose dive. Like bottom of the barrel, someone should be worried about me nose dive. I was having night sweats, my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth so hard 99% of the time. I was constantly getting sick and staying sick for months. My body was shutting down on me because my anxiety and depression became worse and worse. Every Sunday night was a impending doom and I was a bundle of nervous energy. I was exhausted all the damn time. Didn’t matter how much sleep I got or how many days off I took - I was in a permanent state of tired. I gained weight, felt miserable about myself and my confidence was non-existent. I felt on the verge of tears all the time.
Taking action to escape the burnout doesn’t mean bubble baths and PTO days…
It was when my mental health really started to decline that I knew I had to take action. I had taken a few days off for some reason and I could not get out of bed. It was a few days of that. I just laid in my bed, no shower, no brushing my teeth, barely taking my dog out and just cried, for hours. I hadn’t felt like that in a really long time. Since I was a teenager or after a bad breakup. I’ve always prided myself at knowing when I need to seek help - while I was probably capable of seeking help before this low point, I knew I couldn’t wait anymore. I messaged a friend about how I was doing and how I was worried about myself - and I took action. I got on medication. This was the first step in me conquering my burnout and escaping a toxic workplace. The medication helped within a week, I was feeling better a little bit of the weight was lifted. But then the stress came piling down again. So I upped my dose. And it’s kept me from feeling as low as I was - but the stress and anxiety was still there. So I needed to find other outlets to help cope.
I knew I wanted to change jobs, not just companies, but a completely new path. I had gone through a few software implementations and had built out an internal help desk and I enjoyed it. Project management had always been something I excelled at. I love creating dashboards and plans. So I knew I needed to get myself feeling confident about making a change from HR to Project Management…so I took a class. I invested in myself. It was expensive, but it was worth it. I got the study materials (ya’ll studying as an adult is hard), attended the classes and am working towards my certification by the end of this year. It was a light at the end of the tunnel. It was a way I could feel comfortable to get out.
I started working out again. Pre-COVID I was working out a ton, toning up and feeling great. I was in a relationship, felt good about myself and was able to build working out into my routine. Then COVID hit. And the gyms were hit, and my workout routine got disrupted and never quite recovered. I tried to do at home workouts but piled on with the stress of work - I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I again, invested in myself and signed up for ClassPass, dedicated 3-4 days a week to going to barre or pilates. My previous attempts at losing weight had not worked - I had gained almost 40lbs over the last 8 years and I was not able to kick it to the curb even with exercising and eating right (I’m a super healthy individual when it comes to food). So I got a little bit of help in that department too. As the weight started to drop, I started to feel back to my old self again. Feeling more confident and eager to get myself out there.
I got a new job. Its a tough economy and an even tougher job market but I knew as I started looking for a new job I needed to be super intentional about what type of work I was going to do and for whom. I needed to make sure the team I worked for I connected with and would have the right leadership to help me grow as a professional but also as an individual. I tapped my network more than I ever did before. I asked for introductions, references, recommendations - you name it, I asked. I had what felt like my own personal recruiting team working on finding me a job. As luck would have it - I landed a gig on my own that I’m ecstatic about, with all the things I knew I would need to avoid the previous burnout I got in my last job: great team, great organization, motivating boss and working remotely. I realized that through the pandemic, while I’m a social individual and by definition an ambivert, I was really ready to be at home for work. I wanted to spend more time in the home that I worked so hard for, and my pets were feeling the stress of me being away all day.
Now that I’m out of a toxic workplace, I’m re-focusing on making myself healthier and happier than ever.
I started reading again! Knowing that the road to recovery from a toxic workplace would be a challenge, I’m focusing my time on reading books like Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA and 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy Morin. And using the workbooks to help me navigate the recovery better. I’ve never been one to journal, but a workbook with prompts is helpful for me to focus and not feel like I have to re-invent the wheel each day.
I’m building a structured work from home routine. I’m skipping my commute now so I need to make sure I’m spending my time wisely as opposed to scrolling through instagram every morning for I dread getting up. I’m enjoying the morning sun with my coffee in the backyard with my dog, creating my list for the day and writing in my workbook. Eating a healthy breakfast, working out at home, taking my dog for a walk in the evenings (when it’s not 1000000 degrees out in Texas) and making time for more things I enjoy like cooking and lounging by the pool.
I’m open and honest with friends of where I’m at mentally, so they know if I might need help. I ask for help when I think I’m teetering on the edge and make sure I take the time I need to get back on level ground. I’m finding ways to build better relationships with my friends, my family and potential romantic relationships. Because now that my job is no longer my identity and I away from the things and people that were dragging me down - I’m able to focus on the future and what joy that may bring.
I have boundaries for the things that don’t serve me. I stay as far as I can away from the unhealthy toxic people and stay true to my commitment to my boundaries. Because keeping and holding a boundary…can be the greatest act of self care you’ve ever done for yourself. Even more so when it’s a boundary for myself.
You may not realize how bad your burnout is, you may already know. Just know each person’s journey to escape it may be different. Escaping burnout isn’t about bubble baths, affirmation cards and finding ways to relax, those things can help for sure, but it’s identifying what you need to do and taking the action to push yourself to where you need to be. Even if its uncomfortable, encompasses seeking professional help and investing yourself so you can be free.
